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  #11  
Old 05-02-2012, 05:54 PM
csThor csThor is offline
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Wink

Berlin, a hot summer day. Traffic jam on the Avus (Berlin City Autobahn). A driver sits sweating in his car when someone knocks against the window and he looks up into the face of a policeman. He lowers the window.
"Yes?"
"Have you heard?" the policeman asks.
"Heard what?"
"Terrorists have stormed the Bundestag and have soaked everyone and everything with fuel. They demand money and freedom for some of their incarcerated compatriots. Otherwise they'll set everything afire. We're going around collecting."
"So what do people give? On average, I mean?"
The policeman shrugs. "About five liters of fuel. Most are also donating matches or a lighter."

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  #12  
Old 05-03-2012, 08:58 AM
RickRuski RickRuski is offline
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Baptising an Irishman

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.


He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
Again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk inthe water again ---

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'


(Are you ready for this????)











The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
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  #13  
Old 05-03-2012, 01:50 PM
Scavenger Scavenger is offline
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Huh
There are the same jokes in Russia, but instead of Angela Merkel and Athens we tell Rogozin and Tallinn.
And instead of Paddy and Frenches our joke is about Chukchi people against China, and the last phrase sounds as "We do not know how we can bury 1,500,000".
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  #14  
Old 05-03-2012, 05:51 PM
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No1 Cheese No1 Cheese is offline
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Oh well thats killed taht off!!!

Cheese
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  #15  
Old 05-06-2012, 04:54 AM
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JG26_EZ JG26_EZ is offline
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A man walks into an electronics store and buys a wwii flight sim that he thinks will work when it's installed.


This version of the joke is even better...


A man walks into an electronics store and buys a wwii flight sim that he thinks will work when it's installed. After realizing that it was buggy to begin with, he then thinks that within a "couple" of months and patches, the problem will be fixed.


I thought it was pretty funny

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  #16  
Old 05-06-2012, 07:48 AM
RickRuski RickRuski is offline
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Football Boots

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little sod, you're in my cupboard now'!!
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  #17  
Old 05-07-2012, 04:36 AM
WTE_Galway WTE_Galway is offline
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An Irishman walks out of a pub ....


....



....



....


what ???



... it COULD happen ...
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  #18  
Old 05-07-2012, 07:27 PM
335th_GRAthos 335th_GRAthos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RickRuski View Post
German Chancellor, Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens:

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replied.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days"...

AWESOME!

It makes the round of Greece as I type this...


~S~
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  #19  
Old 05-07-2012, 10:13 PM
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JG52Krupi JG52Krupi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RickRuski View Post
Football Boots

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little sod, you're in my cupboard now'!!
Brilliant!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SiThSpAwN View Post
Its a glass half full/half empty scenario, we all know the problems, we all know what needs to be fixed it just some people focus on the water they have and some focus on the water that isnt there....
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  #20  
Old 05-08-2012, 06:52 AM
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Kongo-Otto Kongo-Otto is offline
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"Hello i'm from Austria."
"Oh nice. Sidney or Outback?"

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